ohgodohgod

so, today is my last day with albertsons.  thus concludes Operation GTF Out of ABS.  there’s a major safety net that is being removed by this transition.  stability, decent insurance, a steady paycheck, a moderate, but highly middle class salary.  what’s coming in its’ place is a low-paying (comparatively) P/T job and an unsteady, self-motivated paycheck.  so yeah, it scares the sh!t out of me.

i also know that if i’m ever going to do something like this — graphic design, web design, something interesting and more creative than what i’ve been doing and much more in line with what i actually studied at school — now’s the f’ing time.  if it’s not now, it may not be ever.  and moreover, i hate not being able to be around my kids.  my dad worked a lot when i was growing up, doing graves and other horrible things and i didn’t get to see him a lot.  and i’ve always felt like i missed out on having a really good father/son relationship with him, at least during that time.  and probably wanting to be around as much as humanly possible is a tad bit of overcompensation, but f— it.  i don’t feel like it’s spoiling my kids to be around more, and to not miss important milestones like lilah’s first steps, gavin’s first complete sentence, etc.  even if i’m home and working, and my kids grow up with this memory of me glued to the computer 8 hours of the day, at least they will have a memory of me.

and what have i been doing since johnston?  nothing worth noting, really.  i always wanted to go back to a johnston reunion and be one of those alums that has something to show off.  they always used to say that the majority of johnston grads really make good on things — end up a lot more entrepreneurial and successful than other UofR grads.  i always had this feeling like that would be me, but last reunion i wasn’t feeling it — it really wasn’t me.  what was i doing?  working in some crappy retail job, i think.  that’s not very bragworthy.  now, going back and saying, yeah, i’m a graphic designer, even if we’re sh!t poor for a while, that sounds cool, it’s something to be proud of.  and i am proud of the sites i’ve made, even when i have to kowtow to  the crazy expectations of the customer, the sites i design still look good.  and i’ve always been a snob with regards to websites.  i go to a site with unimpressive design or lots of weird flaws and it just pains me to think they paid someone to do that.  i’ve always felt like emailing those people and saying “your site sucks.  i can fix it.”  so, for once, i can be my own boss, i can do something i like doing, i can add to my own website snobbishness (always a plus), and maybe, just maybe, something else bigger and better will come along down the road as a result of this.  i don’t think the heritage thing is the end for me, but it’s a foothold in the industry, and it allows me to pursue a career in creative arts in the digital revolution.

so good luck, me.  i hope it’s worth it.  i hope it works out.  i think it will, but i’m scared of falling flat on my face.  it’s a big jump without that net, but i think there might be wings, or at least a jetpack, on my back.

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