another reason the dmv is the ninth circle of hell

ok, so this would have been better with the visual, but, as it turns out, while i wasn’t looking (read: while it’s been sitting on the desk, not plugged in, acting as a malformed and warped shelf for junk), my scanner up and died.  dead, no pulse, doa, unliving, dead dead dead.  so.  you’ll have to imagine.

what are you imagining?  my new drivers license photo.  alas it’s that time; my current license — which didn’t have too bad of a photo — was my first utah license after i moved here in 2k1 and it expires on my birthday (which is next month in case you were taking notes).  so, knowing that i won’t get a reminder thing in the mail because the addy on the license is wrong, i decided to be proactive and actually go to the dmv to renew it.  so i get there and am handed a card and the surly middle aged lady says i need to go to the drivers license division, which is closer to where we live, but basically backtracking the 10 or so miles i drove to get to the dmv.

so upon arriving at the rough location, i realize i passed it, so i uturn and come back.  okay, there’s the ghetto strip mall with the SuperSaver grocery store (an ABS subdivision, btw, i and a couple co-workers visited them when their server died and we tried to restore it from tape) and the Gen-X Clothing and…I passed it again.  I circle around back thinking “it couldn’t possibly in that Post Office, could it?” when i realize what i’m looking for is the Gen-X Clothing (and Drivers License Renewal) because there it is, small in comparison to the large Gen-X Clothing store and the words on the face of the strip mall wall looks butted against Gen-X Clothing so as to give the appearance of being integrated in some crazy post-modern conglomerate.

the rest of the story is fairly standard and boring with the exception that i missed one on my stare-into-the-viewfinder-and-read-line-one eye exam, which makes me more concerned about my vision and thinking i should get my eyes checked before Operation GTF Out (of ABS)(TM).  i sit in front of the blue screen and the teenage employee tells me to stare at the evil-looking (no sh-t) eyes just above the camera.  he counts to three and i wasn’t really paying attention but decided that i’d not smile and not look goofy like most licenses and then a few seconds later the picture shows up on the lcd monitor to my right.  so here is where your imagination comes in.

it has got to be the worst picture taken of me in history, ever.  the.  worst.  i look about 10 years older, and as i’m looking at the paper license they gave me realize it’s been longer than i thought since i shaved.  my eyes were half-closed, caught mid-blink, making me look stoned.  the overall impression is this is what i would look like if i were a serial rapist or mass murderer, caught for parole violations.  it seriously looks like a mug shot for some hardened criminal. and while my california license had my first drivers license photo and haunted me for two licenses and made me look like a young meth dealer or a sociopath, this one is ten times worse, and i really lament that i cannot share that with you my gentle viewers — all seven of you.  so now i get to wait in anxious terror for the hard copy to arrive.

Now playing: Dax Riggs – Living Is Suicide
via FoxyTunes

that leads into my next topic;  i started using google analytics.  it’s pretty cool.  previously i had been using that free web counter thingie and before that i was using my own php counter but couldn’t be bothered to insert the code with the last major overhaul.  now i can see where all my unique visits come from and take guesses as to who some of you are.  i suspect i’m at least two of the seven, myself, so it’s still somewhat skewed but i was at least happy to know that i’m not just talking at a vacuum.

Now playing: Sackville – Gold Dust
via FoxyTunes

my third and final topic this morning is related to lilah:

she occasionally makes the most horrendous, repulsive noises you’ve ever heard which makes me giggle hysterically.  they’re somewhere between a snort, a snore, and a burp combined with the sort of unintelligible, gastro-intestinal noises men often make (as they’re sipping their bud and setting down on the couch or after slapping their large belly upon eating a burger, for example).  it’s such an ugly sound to come from such a cute baby that it’s freaking hi-larious.

also, on an unrelated topic, i stumbled accidentally on a fairly interesting vlogger in britain  that i’ve been watching.  i’ve added him to the blogroll, but his site is called Disabled Salmon and you can podcast it or miro it or whatever.  he does all these crazy community art projects all the time which is pretty cool.  i’m still working through the archives so i haven’t caught up to date yet to know what’s actively going on, but he’s fairly entertaining.

Now playing: A Silver Mt. Zion – sow some lonesome corners so many flowers bloom
via FoxyTunes




Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.